It all started with a 15 year old taking a trip to Germany and falling in love and feel like she belonged. The next thing that started me on this path was me having to drop out of school (that’s another story) and finding my self back in Chicago with no money and no job. I happened to run in to the director of the circus out in Germany and he asked me when I was going to come do a volunteer year. I then had a choice, apply for Ringling Brothers or go to Germany. We all know what I chose. And after a year of planning and getting things together I was ready to leave. I was happy to leave.
I had always thought about packing up and leaving, moving to a small town and becoming someone new. The thing people would do back in the 60s and 70s. I don’t know what was appealing to me about it, but I had always wanted to get away and I finally could.
So I left and I was greeted with the warmest reception ever. I finally felt like people wanted me to be there. The 15 months went by quick and many things happened, and I had times where I missed being home and times where I was happy to be in Germany.
In March or May (I really don’t remember when) of 2015 I had to decide if I was going to stay and work or if I was going to go back to the USA. I was in a bad place at that time and so I decided I was going to go back home. Neither option appealed to me, I didn’t know what I was going to do again. I felt I had fallen out of place and found myself relatively alone again, I didn’t really click with anyone and my one best German friend had left me (You know who you are ;p)
Then something amazing happened, I met the new kitchen helper. She and I got along like two peas in a pod and then I met my boyfriend. I was back on cloud 9 and didn’t want to leave. But my ticket had been brought and I thought it was to late to change my mind.
So I tried to move back home, but I missed my boyfriend, I missed my “easy” life in Germany. I didn’t feel like I fit in and nothing was working well for me. So around Christmas I made it official I was going back to Germany. By that time I don’t think it surprised anyone I think most people could tell I was unhappy being home. I was happy to go back, to see if my first real relationship could work, and to see if I could start a life somewhere else.
So I left again. That was Aug 2016
I was happy in the beginning. I did have problems with my new job and my co-workers but I thought we had worked through them. I thought I had made friends. I thought I was getting my life together.
Than came Dec of 2017, by this time I had a car and an apartment with my boyfriend, but things weren’t all good. I had already decided to leave my job; I was just dragging my feet about doing it. My boss beat me to the punch though. So I was lucky and found a new job quickly. But then 3 days after Christmas I had my car crash. I didn’t really feel like going out that night, but my best German friend was in town and I wanted to see him. It had started raining/snowing and I thought I would be fine but I wasn’t and I drove off the road and did a 180 around a tree in my car. Somehow I walked away with only a few scratches.
I was sore for the next few days, had headaches for a while after that and the mental effects still last even today. I do believe I should have died that night but by so grace or sprit, they saved me. It started to put life in to perspective for me and I realized just how unhappy I was and how alone I felt. All the “friends” I had in Germany turned their backs on me, no one was to be found, the only person looking after me and checking in on me being my boyfriend.
I felt alone.
There was really no one I connected with near by. Sure some of you who are reading this may be offended but the only person who really asked if I needed any thing was Moni. Anyone else either didn’t follow through or made it seem like it was a big deal for them. I had no friends I could’ve or would’ve called family. I can think of a few of you but you lived far away and we never got to see each other.
I then ended up being job-less for 2 months, which made money tighter than ever. I still owe people money from helping me out but it was all people back home in Chicago/NYC who helped. It was all friends from back home who messaged me all the time checking in and asking how I was doing.
Then I finally started my new job, with the promise of becoming the kitchen manager of their new restaurant in July. That was one of many lies they told me. Or maybe they weren’t lies but again that was something that didn’t turn out to be as good as I was told.
I realized back in February I was only staying for one reason and that was my boyfriend. But even that was far from perfect, we loved each other, we cared for each other but it still wasn’t enough. I needed to feel wanted. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. For a job to want to have me working for them, to realize my worth as a worker. For my partner to show he wants me their, that he’d hate to have me go. For me feeling loved isn’t enough I need to know they want me there and when asked how he could do that for me I couldn’t answer.
Then the fight (argument really it was only words) happened between my boyfriend and me. It started from nothing. We had such a nice morning and then I took a nap and woke up mad and I told him something I knew he didn’t want to hear. I knew it would start a fight but I thought it was the only way to get my point across. I went off to work and it was a text fight. And he said something that wasn’t clear and I took it the wrong way and I thought we were going to be done. So I texted my sister freaking out and she got me a job and planned for me to move back home.
I got home from work that night and me and my boyfriend worked it out but I still wasn’t happy and we both knew I needed to visit home. He let me go, hoping it would help solve my inward problems.
So I left.
I left 10 days after our fight, it all happened really quickly. We are still together. We do still love and care for each other. But I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I do have to apologize to quite a few people for blowing them off and not seeing them while I was in Chicago. I sill love you guys, you are still family to me but my head wasn’t in the right place and I didn’t want to tell my story over and over. I had heard enough of, “when are you going to settle down” “when are you going to get your life together” “what is your plan”.
I was tired of seeing everyone’s reaction; I was tired of hearing people’s opinions. I just wanted to escape; to clear my head. I finally got that coming to camp, where I was forced to have no Internet and little contact with the outside world. I have come to realize some of my problems but I still don’t have a solution. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I still don’t know where I want to live. I’m still not happy….