I want to talk about the chances we miss or don't take, six years ago I came here for the first time and my life changed, since I left I had always wanted to come back, at first I thought I would do it right after I graduated high school and I always wanted to. But life happened and it didn't work out like that and sometimes I wish it had because thing would have been different I think a lot of my friends from that time would have been around more and I might have had the chance to have a different relationship with someone.
Its hard to talk about this and now I find its even hard to type about it, I feel like putting it out there shows how awful of a person I was and it makes things more real. Well anyway, here goes (how fitting the song Love hurts came on my mp3 player just now) six years ago while I was in Germany I met a boy who was really nice and sweet, while I was here we were friends and we got sort of close, according to Sven we had a thing but I never thought of it like that but I guess we sorta did in a way. I think my favorite memory was during the German summer camp we watched a movie in German and he sat in the back with me and translated the movie for me, it was "The Bridge to Terabithia" he was so kind and at the time I was kind of rude, I really did like him but I wanted to seem cool to the other circus kids so I didn't pay as much attention to him as I wanted to. (and know "if i could turn back time" comes on, I think my mp3 player is linked to my mind) I can't say how i really felt at the time I was young I didn't really know what love was and I'm not sure I know now, but I do know one thing I regret not doing what I wanted and worry about what others thought.
Then the following year (5 years ago) he came to Chicago with the German group, I didn't get to see him much then either because I wasn't with the circus much then do to other reasons. I had him over to my house for breakfast one morning and then I was at the hostile their last night to make dinner. Still then, even though I wanted to be next to him I didn't get close but it was for a different reason, not because I wanted to be cool, but because I thought I would never see him again so what would be the point. I said a quick good bye to him and a few others and then left and on my way home that night, it was one of the few times I cried real sad tears. I had just left people I cared about and loved more than anything I had known at that time for what I thought to be the last time.
There are a lot of things in life that I wish I could take back or change but none more then this, I wish that at some point I would have told him how much he meant to me or that I had at least kissed him once. I have always felt terrible for the way I handle that situation, I feel as though I was a complete asshole and he didn't deserve that. And I'm sure a lot of you may think well you can see him now and tell him, but I don't think so, 5 years is a long time and things have changed and.... well I'm not going to go in to all that but I will say we will see what happens because I do see him in a few weeks...........