Its funny how much one little hug can mean and how much feeling can go behind it. I won't take time to explain what it can mean there is so much or so little it can mean and we all know it. Recently I have been thinking about Chicago and everyone back there a lot more then I have before. Even though I am having fun here and people cheer me up when I get alone I always find my thoughts drifting back to home.
(But it feels weird calling it home, sure its where my family and some of my friends are but I never truly felt like I belonged there. Yeah I love Chicago and I will miss it no matter where I go but it never truly felt like where I belonged. Sure I love it here and wouldn't hesitate to make here my home but its missing my loved ones from the US. Anyways that's not really why I wrote this, got off on a tangent there.)
Then I had a dream about saying good bye to my father. Now some of you know I never have known my birth father so obviously I am not talking about him. I am talking about the person who has become my father. And the dream really kind of bothered me and then I was talking to my sister about it and my abandonment issues came out pretty much. I have no problem putting it out there on my blog that I have these issues but good luck getting me to talk about it in real life.
(Funny how I have no problem typing these things out for all of you to read and I know you guys read this but I don't like actually speaking about it. I don't know why but yeah it is what it is.)
Anyway, I totally have abandonment issues, a lot of people I choose to get close to have left me in life. Now some have done it by choice, others have done it because of other circumstances, and some have just lost contact, but no matter the reason they have left. I could go back to my first friend that i made in kindergarten, decided to get in a fist fight with me in 6th grade. One of my bestest friends after that, who I called a brother, took advantage of me and my family, and now we don't talk to each other. You know its easier to count the people who have stuck around then the people who have left. And yeah I should focus on them but it still doesn't hid the fact of how many people have left. How many people who have helped me out and who I have looked up to that have left. And some of these people have left deep wounds and scars. So yeah I am afraid that I am going to be gone for 15 months (yeah June 2014-Sep 2015 is 15 months, sorry I kept saying 14) and that I'm going to come back and find no one has time for me. Yeah I was kind of upset I had a whole month free before I left and a lot of people waited till the last few days to make time to see me before I left. Yes I am also afraid that I am going to love it here and then be torn between where to go. Because part of me is already there. But yeah my sister has told me now and many times before I should talk to my father more about things, but I always worry and give her excuses like, maybe I'm bothering him with little things, or oh he has bigger problems of his own I don't need to worry him, or just in general how silly it is and I don't want to waste his time, but all of it is kind of silly and in general I should just talk more to people about life. I shouldn't worry so much about people leaving because I guess in a way everyone is going to leave eventually (everyone dies is what I mean).
It also kind of bothers me that if I had to pick today I wouldn't leave, but it would bug me terribly because I wouldn't be able to hop on the cta and go visit everyone. But I am happy here the only thing I don't have is all of you here. I wish I could find something like this in the US but for many reason I can't. And one of those reason is because of the people. I love the people I work with here and the friends I have. I don't know I think about these things and worry about them but I really shouldn't I still have 13 more months till I leave (yeah almost at the 2 month mark man time is going) but yet that's where my mind wonders to when I'm alone. I'm not even sure if this makes since to anyone.... it's late here so I think I'm going to post this and then go to bed.