I think it was around April/May I had to choose if I was leaving or staying, I mean the question was always there but I needed to make a choice so we could buy the ticket and such. I was always on the fence, one week wanted to stay a month later I wanted to leave. But even during the times when I wanted to leave it was never 100% it was never "I want to get eh fuck out of here let me get in a car/plane and go". I mean everyone has bad days, and there are days your boss pisses you off or you think your co-workers are incompetent, but that is everywhere. I will say however there were days when I was in Chicago I wanted to GTFO, I was ready to leave when I got on the plan so many months ago. I was not ready to leave Germany, but when I decided that it was to late the ticket had been brought the plans had been laid out and there wasn't anything I could really do.
I have come to realize just how unhappy I was with my life before I left. Why? Because I have left off almost exactly where I left off. I am going back to two of the same jobs I had before, I would be going back to the third but the restaurant has closed while I was gone. I am trying to figure out my living situation and I still am surrounded by people who love me but I feel so isolated. Ok so to break this down a bit more, I hate working at the University I feel like it is a waste of my time and that the job is beneath my level. However I work there because it is a pay check and it gives me the time off to go back to Germany. So it was get a job worth my time and level of skill but not be able to go back to Germany or go but for a shorter amount of time or suck it up and deal with it and that is what I am doing. The wheel job is not so bad I love being part of that but that is only a part time job. My living situation since I have been back has been a little more complicated and well let's just say that it has made em act like my old high school self. But more importantly I feel I should talk about is how I am back and I have my friends but I feel isolated I feel like I don't belong and then no one understands what I am going through. I just came back from a 15 month trip where I more or less had the life I wanted. (Yeah I was doing more circus then cooking and so but I had my own place was taking care of myself and living more or less like I want(ed) to.) But I feel like all the progress I made is getting lost because it just doesn't translate back to my life here. Yes I won't lose it all but it is going to be harder and take much more effort from me to keep it all. Everyone says the beginning is going to be the hardest and I get that, but I just wonder when does it get better and how.
So I know a lot of people are curious about this topic. It was "Oh look, Jesse has a boyfriend now....What?!?!" and yeah I mean that is how it was for me too. I mean if you have followed my blog since I left we know there were a few boys I had some interest in but they did not feel the same and I had given up on German guys and was talking to a few people back in the States but then I started hanging out with a new co-worker and she took me out to the city and I met some of her friends. I remember the first day I met them I didn't think any thing of it then I mean yeah naturally you take in the looks and I thought he looked cute but I was leaving so what did it matter. That same day we were talking a bunch and about nothing really in particular. And it was one of the first days I had had in a while. Then me and my co-worker kept hanging out and going to see them and I realized that I was starting to like this guy. I remember the day I admitted it to myself. We went over to the flat in Aallen (the near by town) and he wasn't there. And I was like "Yo where he at" and he had his flat around the corner so I was like, "Umm can we go get him....let's go get him" and we actually walked over to his flat and was like get dressed you're coming. If I remember correctly it was the day before our first kiss too. I mean this all happened really quick and came out of no where. But you know some people say there is no time limit on love. Now I am not saying this is love I mean it is all still new but it fall under that. So anyway after we started dating it all still happened fast, I mean he came and stayed with me a few days, and we talked and got to know each other more and more. And it is so.... oh I don't know how to explain it, but we come from similar backgrounds, we like similar things, and his dad lives in the suburbs of Chicago and it's all these things and I just really like it. I was talking with my sister about it and she pointed out how this is my first real relationship or if you don't like that term then my first adult relationship. And she is right and it scares me. Some of you may know in the past I have been very out spoken about never having a long distance relationship and that I didn't understand people who did it, but to say the least now I do. I wasn't even the one who suggested we stay together, I mean honestly I wanted to but I also don't want people to do something just because they think that is what I want. I am the type of person who says do what you want and I mean it. So when he was like we can make it work my stomach did a flip. This is all new to me, having someone I really like and get along with on so many levels and he wants to be with me in every way. I don't know how to put all this in words but I think I am getting a new understanding in things in this matter. I know I am very excited to be with him and I hate not actually being with him but I am very excited and terrified to see where this leads and I hope it all works out.