But there are days where I think about it and think that maybe I should just stay in Germany, I mean its almost everything I wanted the only thing that is missing is a restaurant job, but I think with some work I could get one. There are other days I think about when I was back in Chicago working three jobs and I think about how I was making enough money where I could have done anything, and think "well maybe I should go back to that save up a lot of money and then vacation for a few months" but then I don't really like that idea because I wasn't really entirely happy with that life. And then I've been wondering why I don't want to take the leap and try for a job with Cirque, I've taken other big leaps and some have worked and others haven't worked so well. Like I mean I moved and spent six months in Ludlow, and then I moved and am spending 15 months in Germany, what would be different about spending a year with Cirque? And I think I have finally realized why I am hesitant about going for the job. There is much uncertainty. When I moved to Ludlow I knew who I was working for and I knew I had the job. When I moved to Germany again I knew who I was working for and I knew I had the job. But I think with Cirque I don't know anyone. I will be moving to a whole new place, working with no one I know in a place that in unfamiliar to me. And that's if I get the job, which is also if there is an opening. There are a lot of unknowns in this decision which I think is the problem for me. I can sit here all I want and say yeah come Sep. I want to work with Cirque (or even Ringling Bros.) but if there isn't an opening what do I do, or if there is an opening and I don't get the job, what do I do?
But even if I get the job, which it would be a fucking amazing job to get I would be away from home for at least another year. I won't get to see any of my friends, but it'll be great experience. But this brings up another question, where is home? It was funny the past two weeks I have been on vacation and during this time I got homesick. And I thought to myself about that, I was like what home do I miss? The answer was rather simple really, all of them. I missed my room in Germany - I finally have a room where all my cloths are put away and hung up, and I've decorated, and everything has its place and I also missed being out in the middle of nature. I missed the streets of Chicago - I knew where I was going, how to get every where, was able to get anything I wanted food wise and I knew what was expected. And lastly I missed the weather in Ludlow, and having the theater next door to go over and play music and practice.
I know this was kind of a lot of rambling, but I haven't posted in a while, but as you can see a lot has been going on internally and this is kind of just the tip of the ice burg. I can say I am at least happy that I have about three - five month to figure out what to do (I leave in six months). In the meantime I am going to enjoy the time I have with the people that are around me. I will post again later in the week with another blog dedicated to my London and Paris trips and I will also post the pictures then too. I just have to combine my phone and camera pictures and pick out the good ones. But know that I did have fun and it was a good time.
(PS If some of you were wondering why I didn't name the names of my mentors even though I think almost everyone knows who they are, it's because I try to leave names out, it just makes life easier. You know in-case someone doesn't want their name used or finds it offensive what I say about them so instead of keeping track of who says I can and can't I just don't)